Grieving the Loss of an Ability and Finding Balance in the Process

Hey disabled fam, I have a big one today... Let's open up the conversation on the grief that comes with losing an ability. ⬇

When we think about grief, we often associate it with the loss of a loved one, but grief can come in many different forms, including dealing with the loss of an ability. For people with disabilities, particularly those with progressive conditions, grieving the loss of certain abilities is a real and ongoing experience.

Let's explore the grieving process and how to balance the emotions and dealing with it.

What is Grief?

Grief, at its core, is a deep emotional response to loss. It’s not something you “get over” quickly, but rather something that needs to be felt and processed in healthy doses. Allowing yourself to experience grief instead of suppressing it is the key to healing. Grief may manifest as sadness, but it can also bring up a range of emotions like fear, anger, or confusion. The first step to navigating grief is simply allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling, without judgment.

Normalizing Grief in Disability

When you lose the ability to do something that once felt easy and routine, feelings of sadness, frustration, and even anger are completely normal. It’s important to recognize that this grief is valid.

Two Unhealthy Responses to Grief

When grieving, there are two common unhealthy approaches that can lead to long-term emotional trauma:

Suppressing the Grief: This happens when we push our feelings aside, telling ourselves that we need to “move on” or “stay positive.” Sometimes this results in what’s known as toxic positivity, where we mask our true feelings with false positivity. While positivity is helpful in some situations, burying grief under it can prevent us from healing. Suppressed emotions can eventually resurface, often in unexpected and more challenging ways.

Overanalyzing the Grief: On the other end of the spectrum is overindulging in grief, where we constantly dwell on our heavy emotional state and try to over-process it. While it's important to feel our emotions, constantly fixating on them can overwhelm us and prevent us from finding balance. When grief dominates our thoughts every day, it becomes harder to enjoy other parts of life that remain fulfilling and joyful.

Finding Balance in the Grief Process

The goal when grieving the loss of an ability is to find balance. This means allowing yourself to feel the sadness while also setting boundaries around how often and deeply you engage with those feelings. Here are a few strategies to help achieve that balance:

- Allow Space for Grief: Set aside time to consciously feel your grief. This could mean sitting with your emotions when they arise or scheduling time during the week to process them. Journaling—either written or audio—can be a helpful tool for this. By giving your grief a specific time and place, you’re ensuring that you engage with it in a healthy, controlled way.

- Therapy and Coaching: Consider working with a therapist or a coach. Professional support can provide guidance and help you navigate the emotions that arise as you process the loss of abilities. If you go down this route, I highly recommend working with a therapist or coach who specializes in working with disabilities, and/or has the lived experience of a disability themselves.

Acceptance: Managing, Not Erasing Grief

The key to managing grief is recognizing that it may never fully go away—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to erase the grief but to learn how to coexist with it. When managed well, grief can be a source of personal growth, deepening your understanding of yourself and your emotions.

It’s also important to remember that grieving the loss of an ability doesn’t mean that your entire life needs to be centered on that grief. It’s possible to grieve one part of your life while still finding joy in other areas. You can feel sadness about losing a physical ability and, at the same time, still enjoy a delicious meal, a good conversation with friends, or a favorite hobby. Life is complex, and two seemingly opposing emotions can coexist.

Moving Forward

Grieving the loss of an ability is deeply personal, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. The most important thing is to find what works for you and allow yourself the space to feel your emotions without being consumed by them. By creating balance, seeking support when needed, and embracing the complexity of your feelings, you can find peace in the process of grieving while still living a fulfilling life.

Feel free to connect if you have any questions or thoughts on managing grief. You're not alone in this journey, and I'm here to support you.

Sending love,

Charlie