If You're Disabled You Will Experience Ableism
Do you have a disability? If yes, then you WILL experience ableism. Here's how to respond to ableism effectively.
I recently spent 12 days speaking and consulting with communities in New York and New Jersey. The experience of working with these organizations was fantastic. They were receptive, eager to learn and excited to implement new strategies that would support their community and staff members with disabilities.
That was a stark contrast to the world I experienced outside of my work with these communities. Out in the city, in airports, restaurants and every corner I turned, I was constantly reminded just how uneducated people are in the realm of disability.
I want to be clear though- I was not surprised at all. And, although I had many frustrating experiences, I was not upset with the people themselves who were being ableist towards me. Why? Because it is often clear to me that people have good intentions, they just don't know how to properly support and treat people with disabilities like myself.
Let me give you an example...
I was in the subway at Grand Central Terminal in NYC, and I didn't know where the elevator to my train platform was located. I found someone who worked at the station and asked for directions... "Hey, can you please tell me which direction to go for the 1, 2, 3 line heading towards Times Square station? I'd like to use the elevator and can't seem to find it." Immediately this person grabbed my arm and began to physically pull me towards the elevator.
-HOLD UP-
Did I ask this person to touch me?
No, I asked them to give me verbal directions...
In this scenario, it's very easy to become upset and to aggressively tell this person to stop touching you, or even lecture them about how rude they were to assume you needed to be touched. And, it's just as common of a response to allow them to continue to touch and pull you, even though it's not what you need or what you're comfortable with. In my experience, this happens because you don't want to come off as "rude". Neither of these responses are ideal.
Here are the facts:
I asked for verbal directions.
This person touches me, and begins to pull me.
This person wants to help me, has good intentions and is likely feeling overwhelmed, confused and nervous about helping a blind person in the station.
I do not want to be touched, and it is not the type of help I need in this moment.
The best course of action for everyone involved is for me to kindly and confidently tell this person to take their hands off me, and ask them again for verbal directions. This will keep me safe and is the best way to accomplish my elevator goal.
And, I did exactly that! The person helping me quickly took their hands off me, they gave me detailed, verbal directions and I said, "Thank you so much, I hope you have a great day!" We gave each other a first bump and smiled.
This is the power of recognizing someone's intentions while also honoring your needs and preferences when it comes to your disability!
I genuinely made a friend in that moment that could have easily been an enemy or someone that I stayed mad at all day.
Rarely, (5% of the time or less), you will run into total assholes who just want to be mean and unhelpful. This did happen to me in Newark airport (the full story will be coming out on my Instagram soon, so make sure you're following me there for that story. It's WILD).
Even in these moments where people are ableist a*sholes, it does not help to be combative in response. Instead, I stay within myself and do not budge from what I need. This is for my safety, and everyone's safety involved.
Look, I'm not trying to scare you here, but the truth is that if you have a disability (like me 👋🏼), you WILL experience ableism. And, you will likely experience ableism a LOT more than you'd like to.
If you feel like you struggle with holding clear, kind, and strong boundaries in the face of ableism during scenarios like the one I described above, that's normal! I've created a free training to help you implement healthy boundaries around your disability. You can access it here.
As always, I've got your back and I'm here to support you.
Sending love,
Charlie